A little late but just in time for Christmas, here is my 2015 Hammacher Schlemmer Holiday Gift Guide. Often, the festive season is fraught with despair over rampant consumerism, overspending, and finding the perfect gifts for your loved ones. Well, fear not! For if you celebrate one of the myriad of holidays with gift-giving traditions this time of year, here is the list for you!
A wonderful present for the entire family this holiday season, The Mistletoe Drone is sure to delight. While drones are often thought of as indiscriminate killing machines, The Mistletoe Drone spreads love and good cheer! Up to 20 of these drones can be flown in one setting without radio interference for ‘unrestrained Yuletide mirth’. Oh shit, here it comes and I’m sitting next to creepy uncle Rick! $69.95
For the raging narcissist on your list, may I suggest The Selfie Toaster. Using custom-designed heating elements created from an uploaded portrait of the recipient, it toasts their image into every slice of bread they consume. There is a creepy Freudian metaphor in here somewhere. $69.95
For the bacon lover on your list, I recommend The Bacon Aficianado’s Spread. Each jar of this ‘unique spread’ in the three-jar set contains a half pound of bacon. Portable, spreadable, bacon jam. Bacon jam on toast, bacon jam on crackers, bacon jam on eggs, veggies and bacon jam. Bacon jam, bacon jam, BACON JAM. $39.95. Never let your loved ones be baconless again.
The traveler on your shopping list will appreciate The Wearable Carryon. This vest features 14 pockets that can hold up to 11 lbs of clothing or accessories. Forget ever paying baggage fees again when you can simply wear your luggage on your person! The vest is designed to prevent a bulky appearance when fully stuffed, so hopefully airport security won’t detain you unnecessarily. Black, $129.95
For the spiritual on your list, I highly recommend The James Earl Jones Narrated New Testament. His famous and unforgettable voice narrates all 27 books of the King James Version. The fourteen CDs can also be transferred to an MP3 format for listening in the car or on audio devices. My favourite passage? Luke 3:27 I AM YOUR FATHER. $39.95
Have a sedentary beer lover on your shopping list? Look no further than The 12 MPH Cooler. Large enough to contain 24 cans of beer and up to eight pounds of ice, the unit features a 1,000-watt electric motor with variable-throttle control. A trip to the fridge is no problem with this cooler, just hop on and ride over. It even has a built-in cup holder so you can take the last few sips of beer with you while you refill. Neighbour invite you over to watch the game? No problem. The unit’s pneumatic tires can easily handle pavement or gravel on your way there. $999.95
A wonderful gift for the entire family is The Only Seven-Person Tricycle. This meticulously-designed tricycle has seven seats and sets of pedals that are operated simultaneously and can reach speeds of 10 mph. One rider controls the steering and dual hydraulic brake system while the others provide the people power. This unique machine ‘facilitates close-knit conferencing while joyriding’, encouraging ‘team-building while pedalling’. Work through family issues while exercising together! Only $20,000.
Remote-controlled cars are so Christmas 2014. This year, surprise the kids on your list with The RC Snapping Crocodile. Instead of aimlessly driving cars into table legs, children can use this remote-controlled toy to lurk under chairs and around corners, ‘methodically’ stalking their prey. Then, remotely snap the toy’s powerful and lifelike jaws when the target is in range. *Author is not responsible for injuries to arms, legs, or any other body part as a result of the gifting of this purchase* $39.95
For your really pale, ultra-famous, or eccentrically reclusive friends and family, consider The Paparazzi-Thwarting Visor, $49.95. The extra-long brim of this visor can be pulled down over the entire face to obscure one’s identity. The reflective surface of the visor not only conceals the wearer’s features from the nosy public, but also protects skin from 99% of the sun’s harmful rays.Highly fashionable, this headgear will complement any outfit.
For the spice lover on your gift list, I enjoy The Pepperphile’s Peppermill. This 3-foot mill holds 2 lbs of peppercorns to satisfy even the most gluttonous of pepper lovers. Corns are easily crushed to grinds of various coarseness with a stainless-steel, commercial-grade mechanism. With a total weight of over 7 lbs, this pepper mill can always double as a weapon with which to bludgeon intruders. $189.99
Finally, for the person who has everything, and if you just happen to have $95,000 kicking around, how about The Handcrafted Hippopotamine Sofa? Sure to fit in seamlessly with any décor, this unique piece of furniture takes over 400 hours to make by hand. Designed to look just like real hippo skin, this life-sized sofa makes a perfectly reasonable gift for your loved one.
Have a safe and happy holiday season!
The Electric Kazoo
The Stress-Reducing Mind Spa
The Amphibious Sub-Surface Watercraft
The Life-Sized Tyrannosaurus Skeleton
*I am not paid, nor do I receive any merchandise from the distributor of these products*